I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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