He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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