No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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