Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
