I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
