I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
