He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
