hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
