just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
