next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
