I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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