Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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