i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
