i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize