i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Pooping to opera.
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