Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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