I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
