It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
