Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
