2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
