Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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