do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
