I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
