my mouth tastes like poor choices
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
