Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
