I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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