i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
