it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize