New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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