If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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