i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize