My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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