Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
