I met the friendliest cop last night
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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