So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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