I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
that's an acceptable place to lick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
