Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
