My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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