I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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