I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
