I can tuck mytits in my pants
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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