masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Im part way to drunk.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
