He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
