i may or may not be watching the land before time
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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