No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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