In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
