I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
