She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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