Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
