i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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