apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
