So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
