note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
