I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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