so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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