I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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