Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you have feelings for this penis?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
