So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
