You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
