Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
