About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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