so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
