Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
